Being in Love: Friends, Benefits and Broken Hearts

I am going to start with how I am feeling right now, this moment as I type this out, I feel so confused. I feel like I might be falling in love, but I am scared. I don’t know if I should let myself. I have always kept my walls up just so I don’t have to go through a broken heart. 

I met Adam when I was in 8th grade. I had never thought of Adam as anything else but a friend. Never in my life did I think he would be the one I would fall for. I had met Nicole in 8^th grade too. She was never my “best friend” but she was my best friend’s close friend. I guess she was what people today call “Ratchet”. Completely the opposite of me. I didn’t exactly like her but she never gave me a reason to hate her. Until.....

Adam and I had always been good friends. We were so close. I would call his mom, ‘mom’, he would call my mom ‘mom’ and he was like my big brother in a way. He would always look out for me. There was just so much Adam and I had in common but not once did I have a romantic thought about him. We were friends! 

Throughout high school, Adam and I were always there for each other and supported one another in everything we did. Adam was a football player and I would always go cheer him on, in as many games possible. I, on the other hand, was a track and field runner and he would come watch me. For those of you reading this, if you have never been to a track meet, good for you. If you’re not the one on the team, sitting on the bleachers watching a meet can be extremely boring.

After we graduated, we went to different schools. We didn’t talk much after that because of the distance thing being a bit of an issue. But it wasn’t a big deal. Anyways, Nicole and I started talking more and more and more. We started to get close. She started telling me about this guy who she was sleeping around with but was falling for. Nicole was always seeking advice from me and just needed a friend to talk to. I was there for her. Adam and I would text occasionally and he would talk to me about some girl that he was messing around with but he wasn’t into her.

Later, Nicole confessed and told me that Adam was the guy and she didn’t want to tell me because she knew how close Adam and I were. I didn’t think much of it and it didn’t even bother me. 

Adam continued to talk to me about Nicole, not mentioning her by name and obviously he had no clue that I already knew. Adam would tell me how it was just a game and that he didn’t want a serious relationship. It was hard to hear that and I really had no idea how to break it to Nicole but I would sometimes say; “Yeah! Adam keeps talking about this one girl he messes around with but doesn’t really say much more.” Eventually the fact that Adam and I were always talking about Nicole, brought us closer together. Nicole would still talk to me about Adam. She would tell me how she was sad that Adam wouldn’t text her. She began to wonder and feel like he probably had someone else to talk to. He did. Me. 

I couldn’t bring myself to tell Nicole about Adam and I. I could not bring myself to tell Adam that I knew about him and Nicole or that Nicole was the one talking to me about their fun.

In Summer of 2010 a whole bunch of friends and I got together and had a bon-fire at the beach. Both Nicole and Adam showed up. At the beach, that night, the whole time, Adam was playing around with me and carrying me around and threatening to throw me into the sea. Later Nicole told me that she had seen the way Adam was looking at me. I told her Adam and I were just friends and she believed me.

In November of 2010 Adam and I kissed for the first time. It was extremely weird but it felt right. That was it, it was just a kiss. Nothing more. Then in January of 2011, Adam and I had sex for the first time. I told him that I did not want anyone to know, and that I wanted to keep it a secret. He agreed. Nicole and I kept talking after that. She was still super into Adam but she didn’t know I was the other girl and Adam didn’t know that I knew about him and Nicole. Adam and I kept this up for a while. It was May 2012, he and I had been dating for a little over a year when finally, the cat was out of the bag. Nicole knew I was Adam’s other girl and Adam knew that I knew he had been messing around with Nicole. Nicole was hurt and she did what any immature girl would do, she started a rumor about me. 

Nicole started to say that I was a slut and a whore, a traitor and a horrible friend who could not be trusted and who knows what else. She made Adam believe that I was the one who told her about Adam and my relationship and he trusted her. Then he started questioning me as to why did I want to keep the relationship a secret and all these other things. He thought it all had something to do with me trying to ruin Nicole. I told him that I was sorry but that had never been my intention, that this just happened. Adam was furious and he sided with Nicole. I was hurt and heartbroken. I lost my best friend. I lost him. I didn’t know what to do. But I put up a good front while I was hurting deep inside. I felt like a huge part of me had died. At night I would cry myself to sleep and I would wake up feeling empty. 

Over the months I began to just get use to the fact that Adam had made up his mind. That he was no longer a part of my life. I began to tell myself that if it was that easy for him to leave me and not ever speak to me again that it should be easy for me too. But it wasn’t.

In June 2013, I got a text. It was from Adam. I had erased his number but apparently he had not erased mine. The text said “Hey its Adam got a new phone this is my number” I was in shock. After over a year of not talking he texted me with something like that? I did not reply, but I did save his number. A few days later he texted me again.

Adam: Hey

Me: Hey? Who is this?

Adam: Its me, Adam.

Me: Oh hey.

Adam: Whats up? How have you been.

Me: I have been great but why are you messaging me? You made it clear you didn’t want to hear from me ever again.

Adam: I felt bad about the way we ended and I couldn’t stop thinking about you.

Me: Adam, its been over a year. I got over it. I moved on. Why didn’t you say sorry before? Better yet, why did you pick Nicole over me? How could you have done that? You have no idea what you put me through and now you just text me hey like as if nothing ever happen?

It took us  a while but we fixed things and slowly began to talk again. He was still in school and I was still at home going to a different school and we would text and talk about our day and stuff.

In September 2013, he drove 12 hours to take me out to celebrate me getting a good grade on a math test. We went to a bar and he was waiting on some of his guy friends. I felt so weird being the only girl around guys I did not know but it was nice. Adam and I played footies, and held hands under the table. We drove to 3 different bars that day and it was fun. Days after that, he came back home and invited me out to the movies with his friends. He wanted me to come visit him too. He told me that he liked me.

So here I am now. Adam, I guess is still my “Friend With Benefits” type of friend but I think that I am falling for him. I am not sure if he feels the same way about me or what his deal is. I am scared to ask and I just feel that we are good right now and I don’t want to ruin it. I will wait. maybe he is my soul mate, maybe we are meant to be. But like always I am prepared for the worse. I am prepared for the possible chance that he may not feel or think the same about me.

I don't know if this is a love story. I don't know if this is a story about betrayal. Maybe its a story about a heartbreak or two. I think its possible that it is a story of all three but nevertheless, its my story.

© Emm Elle

Visit her at: emmstateofmind.blogspot.in